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| Women will not watch a stripper fight crime. |
With the media world throwing around the "are they nuts?" question following the announcement from DC Comics that they are dramatically redesigning Wonder Woman's iconic costume, keep this fact in mind. But make no mistake - a covered-up Wonder Woman is as much about selling movie tickets as it is pushing comics.
Wonder Woman movie rumors have been floating around Hollywood for decades, but there's a reason why Princess Diana of Themyscira remains the only member of DC's "Big Three"--the other two being a certain clean-cut alien farmboy and a brooding dark avenger--still waiting for a go on the silver screen.
It's not about casting, it's not about finding the right director, and it's not about picking the proper time period setting. No, it all comes down to red Go-Go boots, star-spangled panties, and cleavage-launching corset armor. You see, unlike Marvel, which spent years spreading its characters among various studios before creating their own umbrella company, DC and Warner Bros have been married for years under the banner of AOL/Time Warner. There is never a question about who is going to produce and release a Wonder Woman movie. It's always going to be WB. And since familiarity breeds interference, it's not a completely ridiculous notion to suggest that perhaps Wonder Woman's new leggings and sporty half-jacket didn't start in the DC bullpen, but rather in the WB boardroom.
Joel Silver - the producer behind The Matrix who has been as tightly linked to Wonder Woman as her golden lasso for the past few years - has been through enough Comic Con panels to know that if he stood up in 2010 and revealed the movie Wonder Woman in this radical new get-up, his head would be carried out of Hall H on a free-giveaway spear. So what better way to sell them on the idea than to get the comics to do it first? Sam Raimi didn't have to worry about taking Spider-Man black, because Secret Wars had already done it for him in 1984.
Sure, this is a cynical reading of the events - maybe Wonder Woman comic sales really were slumping enough to warrant the comic book equivalent of a sitcom family adopting a new baby. (Remember when they made Superman two separate entities colored red and blue?) But it seems reasonable to assume that removing the greatest hurdle to a Wonder Woman movie - convincing any actress worth a damn to prance around looking like the world's most patriotic drag queen - is a boon to both WB and DC, so why wouldn't they lend each other a helping hand?
And don't even mouth the words "Lynda Carter," television’s Wonder Woman. All memories of that show are irrevocably clouded by nostalgia and the false assumption that creating deliberate cheesecake is the same thing as being good. The truth of the matter is, Wonder Woman's appeal is not evenly weighed between the sexes and this is death for a potential blockbuster movie franchise.
WHY WOMEN LIKE WONDER WOMAN
- She's a female who holds a position of authority in the Justice League. When Superman and Batman aren't around.
- She comes from a society of warrior women who have no use for men. Except when the writers need them to.
- She is the most respected woman in the DC universe, which, given the likes of the fishnet-clad Black Canary, the mini-skirted Supergirl, and the essentially topless Power Girl, is kind of like being the most respected mom on Toddlers and Tiaras.
WHY MEN LIKE WONDER WOMAN
- Her costume is just one long butt crack-and-cleavage celebration.
- Her main weapon is a rope that forces men to open up and tell her exact what they're thinking.
- Said rope is also frequently used against her in constant variations on bondage fetishism.
- Her every interaction with Superman and Batman is ripe with fanboy-fueling "Will they, won't they, or will all three of them?" double entendre.
- Her main mode of transport is an invisible jet, which apparently exists in the hopes that "severe craning of the neck" will incapacitate most criminals.
So the next time you hear a fanboy rant about how they have "ruined" Wonder Woman, consider the source. Movie studios have tried to (like comics) appeal to the emotionally-stunted fanboy fantasy, only to see the likes of Elektra and Catwoman fail miserably at almost every level. In order for Wonder Woman to truly be taken seriously, she has to look the part. This is why Christopher Nolan put Batman in a functional suit of armor and not grey knickers, and why Bryan Singer avoided the urge to put a large yellow cowl on Hugh Jackman in X-Men. It's also why you should expect to see some serious movement on a Wonder Woman movie now that she's got a costume that Jessica Biel...or Theres Palmer...or Gina Carano...or whoever else is allegedly up for the role would be caught wearing in public. See you at San Diego Comic Con 2011!
Source:XMB