Tatarazzi

Proving he can go five minutes without masturbating, David Duchovny and Tea Leoni took their kids to the beach in Malibu yesterday. Is anyone else freaked out by Tea’s physique? It almost seems to fluctuate from feminine to She-Hulk at whim. Sort of like God slapped breasts on a man’s body and figured “Eh, fuck it. Some sex addict’ll take her in.” Which is a lot more romantic than how my parents met. Not to discriminate against mail order brides or anything. Welcome to America! You make sandwich good.

Here’s Shauna Sand in Miami realizing she has to up the ante to keep the paparazzi focused on her because, seriously, who the fuck is she? Also, the occasional nip slip and non-stop wearing of bikinis is getting predictable as hell. At this rate, the only thing interesting Shauna can do is raise the lost city of Atlantis out of the sea. Then flash her tits at it.

Already expecting her first child with fiancé Hank Baskett, Kendra Wilkinson will walk down the aisle a week from tomorrow. Last night, she celebrated her last nights as a single lady with a bachelorette party at Guy’s nightclub in Hollywood.

So what went on one of Kendra’s last wild and crazy nights?

“She says she still wants sex toys!” friend and former co-star Bridget Marquardt said yesterday in advance of the big night out. “Everything is falling into place. We have games planned. We are doing video messages as the girls walk in.

“We are going to play fun games, [and] of course presents. Sprinkles cupcakes has donated all these cupcakes for it, which I am really excited about.”

She won’t say what she bought her ex-roommate, but the Bridget’s Sexiest Beaches host teases that “I got her something naughty but something nice.”

The Girls Next Door alum and Kendra star, who has been battling morning sickness but is ecstatic to be a mom and wife, is set to wed on June 27 at the Holmby Hills, Calif., mansion of her former boyfriend, Playboy CEO Hugh Hefner.

Here’s Kristen Bell vacationing in Hawaii with Dax Sheppard who I basically cropped out of every single shot. Now, I know what you’re thinking: Does Jesus write this blog? And the answer is, no, he doesn’t. I’m just his son who moonlights as a sexual ninja. No, really, ask my exes. They never knew if I was making love to them or already across the room to cry in the shower. I’m that good.

Katie Price continued her calendar shoot in Ibiza today, and it’s comforting to see she’ll never stop posing like Barbie’s sister who didn’t quite make it in Hollywood yet somehow claims to be an “actress.” Then why won’t she let us see her movies? Or come over during the day? Life’s so mysterious sometimes.

Here’s Tori Spelling experiencing a bikini FAIL while vacationing in Hawaii. I don’t really know who would want to look at Tori’s nipples, but then again I thought the same thing about Dolph Lundgren’s penis and five billion of you proved me wrong. I’m starting to think the robot’s aren’t going to have to work hard at their apocalypse provided they shoot nudie pictures out of their ray guns. — I just told them our weakness, didn’t I? Sonofabitch.

Here’s Miranda Kerr and a bunch of models whose names aren’t important to me posing for famed photographer Terry Richardson for the 2010 Pirelli Calendar. They’re pretty much all topless and/or naked, so this is probably the best thing that will happen to any of you all week. Let’s not ruin it with words. Shh. Shh. Just emotions.

Thanks to Cory who should be anchoring goddamn CNN. The man knows news.

Here’s Katie Price on a photo shoot in Ibiza yesterday for her upcoming calendar, and I’d like to thank whichever ancient civilization invented such an incredible organizational tool. I honestly couldn’t tell you what month is, but now I see where my beach balls disappeared to. On that note, someone should probably call off the choppers before they realize we’re not looking for a missing Palin kid like I said during the 911 call.

Bruce Willis and his new wife Emma Heming pose for an S&M-themed photo shoot in the latest issue of W. I don’t really know what this says about them as a couple, but it’s an eerily accurate portrayal of married life. First, it’s all naked stuff and cool, then the next thing you know, your wife’s banging an EMT because you told her “the mask freaks you out.” Who hasn’t been down that road before?

These are more shots of Audrina Patridge in Cabo this week, and I have to admit, she’s my favorite Hills star. She doesn’t talk much. She doesn’t really do much. But you can always count on her to wear a bikini when people start to forget who she is. It’s almost like Audrina’s a shining beacon of that women stuff I can’t remember because, honestly, I wasn’t really paying attention.